Today marks 8 years since we lost our baby boy and for some reason, I felt guilty for still wanting to honor his memory. I think it stems from him already being dead when he was born. Instead of celebrating his birthday I find myself a little confused as to what I’m marking on this day. Then it struck me that I was his mother and he was my child regardless if I never saw him draw a breath. I realized how normal it was for me to want to say that he would have been 8 today!
Something that has struck me as the years have gone on is the layers of healing that take place. Although the death of Samuel has lost its sting, I still feel like I am healing and learning from it. This last year I have been remembering what he looked like when he was born. In all honesty, he was so beaten up I was too traumatized to really let my mind go back there before now. It’s crazy how the mind does that right? I never took a picture of Samuel which was a regret of mine but at the time this just was not
Another bit of trauma that came up as the 8 year anniversary approached was the location of Samuels birth. At my local hospital, there was no space in the room designated for stillbirths so I was placed in a room used for terminations. I can still remember the posters on the wall advertising contraception. I remember thinking I was not to suppose to be here. I remember the nurse at the time saying you best not look at your baby, it may not be a pretty sight. I just felt like there was such a level of shame over the whole thing and I knew I had to deal with the memory because it was plaguing my mind. I decided to allow myself to go back to those thought and weep over it. I asked God to come and just be with me as I remember those hurtful moments. I really believe something powerful happened when I did this. The best thing about allowing myself to go back there was I remembered that we donated all Samuels body parts to medical science so I’m believing he has played a small part in helping someone else.
As I was writing this blog I was reminded of a miscarriage I had at 11 weeks and the fact that I did not name that child because I felt like society would deem it silly because of its gestation. I was shocked by my thinking so decided that I would name this CHILD because in my eyes it was my baby.
Why am I writing all this? Seems a little depressing but that’s not the purpose of this blog. I wanted to show people that it’s ok for healing to take time and that it can come in layers. Each time I find myself uncovering another layer I feel myself getting stronger. If you asked me today if I felt healed from losing Samuel I would say yes but I am so aware that there may be more to come and that’s ok. If you have lost someone know that there is hope and it does get better. However, also know it may be a journey and that’s ok. For me, my faith plays a huge part in my healing and I am so thankful to God.