This month marks 5 years since my son Samuel died and this year something feels different! Each year, I normally have this horrible sinking feeling when his anniversary comes around. But this year, I actually nearly forgot it! At first I felt bad about forgetting it, but then I realised that his death had lost its sting. That’s not to say it does not make me sad, as I will always wonder what he would have been like, had he lived. But I just don’t feel that horrible pain in my heart this year! This is the first year I can open up his memory box without feeling tears run down my face. I can look at his tiny footprints and blanket that he was wrapped in and think ‘Wow! My heart is not broken!’ I have the hope that this tiny little boy can make some major impact to this world. A world that he never got the chance to grace himself in. These tiny footprints, remind me to use his death to help others who are grieving. I want to use what was my darkest hour and turn it into something glorious and something with purpose!
When people ask me how many children I have, it normally fills me with dread. I want to say four without having to say that I only have two children living, but now things have changed! When asked this question, even by a stranger, I often go on to talk about my beautiful boy and how he has changed me as a person. So often I then hear stories about their children who were born sleeping, just like Samuel, which would otherwise have gone unspoken. Maybe this is why I don’t feel the sting of his death anymore? I used to feel like his death was wasted and that I went through his birth and death for nothing! I don’t think like that anymore when I see the impact he has had on other mothers around me! It’s all finally clicked into place now and I realise this as I write my blog. He did not die in vain! His death was not wasted! It has brought about a purpose and a hope! Five years on from his death, it is still changing me for good!
I have written this blog to bring hope to all of you who feel stuck in your grief and to say, you won’t feel like your heart is going to die forever! Yes, you will always have moments of sadness, sometimes it may ache, but there will come a time when you can think of your loss with fresh eyes and a heart that sings again! If we look at people who have done great things, many of them suffered great losses, went through hard tribulations but came out victorious!
My faith is my biggest anchor and my biggest joy! I love the knowing that he is up there having a blast in heaven, whilst changing situations down here on earth. I will always think about Samuel and allow myself to feel sad about him whenever I want, but for now my heart is healed.