I have always struggled with enjoying what’s in front of me in life and have always anticipated the next stage eagerly. I seem to think that when I get to the next stage that I will reach a new level of happiness. This is despite my own knowledge that what’s sitting in front of me is pretty awesome. When times are hard I tend to find myself thinking that when I get through this phase in my life things will be much better. As I write this I am still trying to work out why I feel like this and how I can try to change. I will try my best to explain my thinking.
I met my Husband around eight years ago. I remember wanting to be with him so much. At the time, it seemed like an entirely impossible situation to be together. I knew that if I could just be with him I could be happy. We then started dating and I found my thoughts telling me that when we married life would be easier and that our joy would be even greater. We went on to marry and although it made me happy I was still not fully contented with my present situation. My next thought was ‘ If we have a baby we will reach an all time level of happiness’ I was completely wrong. I fell pregnant very early into our marriage and sadly miscarried our baby boy at the late stages of pregnancy. We named him Samuel. That’s when I realised what real unhappiness felt like. I would have given anything to have gone back to my earlier ‘happy life’. The life before the unbearable pain hit us. As I had no choice but to continue on life, I decided that I had to learn something from that season. I have recently found myself reflecting on these times.
In that time of loss, I began to learn how to allow myself to be in a difficult season even if it was a season of grief. I allowed myself to feel what was going on and to feel the love and grace given to me. I chose a deep joy that went beyond understanding. A fighting spirit engulfed me! My fight felt silent but real. I had to choose to not allow death to have its victory. I believe that some of the worse days of my life could be the very experiences that have taught me how to live in the present.
Recently I lost another baby. It reminded me of my time of grief and realised that a layer of character had been built without me even knowing. I was able to process how I felt so much better and was weirdly thankful for my past sadness. You may feel like your current circumstances are never ending, but they will pass. Days will come when you are able to reflect and grow on past experiences, You will gain strength to face hardships and to even encourage those who find themselves in similar situations.
I know have two beautiful daughters. As amazing as this has been but I still have that feeling of ‘ what’s next?’ I really need to learn my lessons. Right?
I have two beautiful girls growing up in front of me and I am missing so much of it. I am always looking forward to the next stage. I really notice that what I dwell on impacts me emotionally. This can end up taking over what I say and do. I used to think daydreaming was harmless but what is it actually doing to me? Am I building a fantasy life in my head full of what I consider to be the perfect Idea of happiness? What if I learned to change my way of thinking to really enjoying the present rather than the unknown future.
But can we really take thoughts captive? I believe we can and that’s what I am going to try and do. When my mind starts to think about ‘ what’s next ‘ I am going to fill it with thoughts of what I am thankful for right now.What if I paused and took in what’s going on right now good or bad and choose to just live in it?
I really don’t think happiness is tied to the circumstances of our lives. Although we feel joy when things go our way this can often be very temporary. You have to ask yourself is it real joy? How do I get this deep joy that is not movable with circumstances ? How can I still have inner joy and peace despite disappointment? That happiness in who we are that helps us withstand hard times without collapsing. I believe in God as you might gauge from my other blogs. My faith gives me a lasting joy and happiness thats pervasive, I know that no matter what happens in life, ‘all is well’. When we have a core belief in something bigger than us it gives such a sense of security beyond the here and now. If we could just be happy in any circumstance how powerful could this be! Who are YOU? What do you believe? What have you got to be thankful for? Whose life do you impact for the better or could? what really matters to you? Questions that make you think about the things that actually matter in life.
I often think of what I want to be remembered for when I die. I hope it’ s not just for being a good mum or someone who had a great job and lots of things. I want to be known for my compassion and love for life. I want to be the woman who spoke out when others stayed silent. I know that I need to change my thinking and start living the life that I have in the here and now. I don’t want to miss the things I am blessed with in the here and now.