A few months ago, I went for what I thought was going to be a beautiful scan of my baby at 11 weeks pregnant. For many weeks, I had been planning the best way to tell my loved ones that another baby Fraser was joining our clan. This was a pregnancy that came with many scares, but the baby always seemed to stay strong. As I was being scanned, a chilling and familiar look draped across the midwife’s face; it was the same look that pierced my heart as I was told about the death of my son 4 years ago. “I am sorry,” she said regretfully “I can’t see a heartbeat,”. . With these words I was taken back forcibly to the my first pregnancy which had also unfortunately ended in a still birth. In the blink of an eye I felt fear and sadness grip me. I remembered how painful my first loss was and how sad and how long it took me to overcome that horrible experience. I was scared.
I had to get blood taken in order prepare for the procedure and I hate needles and was not what I wanted after just being told about the baby. Embarrassingly I always sing when getting needles to take my mind of it but this time my song was significant. The words “through every storm, my soul will sing Jesus is here, to God be the glory” came out .These words gave me a peace unlike any other I had felt before.
On the day on which i was to pass the baby,I was to go to the very same hospital ward I had been to 4 years previous, so I knew that I needed all the strength I could gather to cope with what was about to happen. Even in times like these where I can barely keep it together, with my emotions rocketing and in the midst of overwhelming sadness, I’m thankful that I have faith. I know that God strengthens and supports me, he gives me hope. I’d felt God say to me that day, “I will crown your day with dignity.” Dignity? From where I was standing that seemed absurd, nothing about this felt like it would leave me with any dignity.
I expected a lot of pain and discomfort nevertheless I actually experienced a near painless delivery. I expected to be an emotional wreck by the days end but I felt at peace and loved. This is not to say I don’t feel sad. Of course i’m sad and very disappointed. I know that I have a journey of healing to go through, but I also know i have a hope and a future and that God turns disappointment into God given appointments, and that the same God who gave me dignity in the hospital who loves me, will also give me healing.
Days after, I was a bridesmaid for my best friend’s wedding and I remember being on stage and hearing my little girl dangling from her seat, straining to break the shackles of my sister’s grip in an attempt to escape and run to me shouting proudly, “that’s my mummy!”. At that moment I knew I was going to be ok. What a joy my two girls are in my life and what a blessing it is to have them.
For me blogging and talking about my experience is part of the way I heal. Everyone heals differently and can and should do whatever they need to do to heal and get their joy back. I’d encourage others to talk about and to share their experiences, with one another. I believe we can and should talk about loss together, share in each other’s pain and love others through their journey of healing. I needed to know that I was not alone and that there’s hope, and I found that in God and my friends and family, who loved me through it all. God is my biggest encourager and my strength in trials like these, and I know that he is also there for those who ask and need him.
I pray that those who have suffered loss will find the beautiful peace that can come from knowing God, the one who brings joy in the morning.